Unraveled

Having been neglected for over a year, the blog is now back. Revitalized, and refurbished, ready to rumble, rant, and rave.
There are many excuses I could provide for my negligence this past year. Some of them even valid. I will spare you such pretenses, and instead provide an honest, and possibly self-incriminating explanation.
I spent most of this last year trying not to think about anything substantial. Gorging myself on a feast of mindless activity, I did whatever I could to keep busy. Constantly running from the frightening stillness that would allow reflection to seep in and taint my hazy mirth. For various reasons, I had reached a place in my life where I felt completely stuck. I was tired of over analyzing the same old things and never seeing any glimmer of hope or possibility of change. Lost amid the depths of despair, I conceded defeat and sought shelter in the superficial.
For a while it was all fun and games. No longer consumed by an obsessive, self absorbed depression, I was able to look past myself and form friendships that I still cherish and have no regrets about. However, it soon became apparent that living la vida loca was not a viable solution. Apparently ignoring your problems and actually resolving them are two entirely different things and not at all equivalent.
It was the daily crying at work that really tipped me off. The isolation of those who are positive influences in my life, the compulsive lying and constant slandering of others, all this I could ignore but the emotional breakdowns were a little harder to sweep under the rug. Little things like labels that were not centered, papers that didn’t get signed, breaks that went five minutes too long, these are not tragedies, and yet the waterworks inevitably ensued. Not my finest hour.
Recognizing my broken state, I still did not know what to do, but I knew I needed to do something. What, or how no longer mattered to me. I needed change and was done waiting around for someone else to bring it to me on a silver platter. So I did what everyone had been telling me to do for years. I emptied my bank account and enrolled in school. Although I could only afford to pay for one class it was all I needed to revive the hope that had once been my lifeblood.
It is amazing what hope does for us. Almost instantaneously after signing up for school I began to feel alive to the world again. Just that small step of progress was all it took to pull me out of my stupor. No longer did I fear the blank canvas of thought, invited by the stillness of the night. The pain and bitterness that had poisoned my heart, were now replaced by a renewed sense of love for others and a passion to fulfill God’s purposes for my life.
Don’t think that I now have everything figured out, far from it. I’m not even sure how I’ll pay for next quarter. However, I am determined to live life to the fullest now, not watch it pass me by. It is with this renewed zeal that I triumphantly blow the dust off this blog so that through writing, I may share the ardent fervor once again awakened in my heart.